My first computer was donated to me by my wife's Grandmother. I can't remember the specs but it was 1997 so you can pretty much imagine the antiquity of it. Just thinking of that old 33.3 modem still makes me smile. Before that I was using a device made by Sony called WebTv to hang out in various chat rooms and browse the web from my television.
One day while trolling Downloads.com for a new game to play I came across a game called Subspace, a 2d top-down space shooter, I was a so excited because I loved that genre of gaming at the time. What I did not know is that it was a multi player game where you basically competed against other people and it was all completely free. The first time I logged it I was completely overwhelmed by all the ships, bombs, mines, and bullets flying around and it had real time chat! I spent my first few hours just lurking, taking it all in trying to figure out the mechanics and enthralled by chat like a moth to the flame. After about my first week of Subspace I happen across a conversation that two guys was having in the duel arena about "girls" that played Subspace. So it hit me like a ton of feathers, I was going to be a "girl" online!
It was suppose to be a joke, my girlfriend now wife had to help me, as people tried to trip me up, "Honey how much do tampons cost?", "What size panties do I wear?" were some of the questions that were followed by hysterical laughter to the point of tears. I started off just being really nice to everybody and let the fact that I was a girl travel by word of chat. Within the first month of starting this game I had more "friends" than I could count, all 9 of my chat slots were full and was getting daily request to join more. There were forums where I would post massive amounts of poetry and short stories, all while hiding behind my anonymity. This was a huge outlet for me because I never had the nerve to post such things. Then the strangest thing started to happen, people were private messaging with advice on problems, somehow I became a person to confide in. Now this really got serious for me as I did not want to let the cat out of the bag so to say. So needless to say I felt really guilty about what I was doing, but my girlfriend reassured me that as long as It wasn't for ill will towards others I shouldn't feel so bad about it, so I continued, for 4 years. Then a group of us from Subspace stepped into the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game genre, the game was Lineage 2 and chat communication was required for castle sieging, no problem I just didn't have a microphone so they wouldn't find out who I really was. As I listened to the people that I had been interacting with for all these years I really wanted to interact with them through voice. So one day I plugged my microphone in and began speaking, this took guts on my part because I was certain that I would be rejected, denounce, cussed out, and verbally beaten to a pulp. It was just the opposite people for the most part showed acceptance because after all I was the same person just a different gender now. I have to admit out of all the "friends" I made two of them felt really betrayed but some months later re-established communication with me again.
Through this interaction with technology I learned so much about myself as well as others and how they perceive others, what they believe and don't believe. I learned guilt and acceptance. I learned that sometimes "females" are treated much differently than males. I learned how to talk to people. I learned that everything isn't what it seems and that people are amazing. I learned that I can't predict people by just looking at myself. I learned how to come out of my shell and to initiate conversation. I learned different point of views, morales and beliefs. Most importantly I learned how to be myself.
5 comments:
It is very amazing the things we are able to learn and teach ourselves through the use of a computer! I am also more able to express myself at a stronger level of comfort than I would be able to do in person. It definatly gives you more self esteem and confidence!
This was a very fascinating post! I think we could delve into the issue of anonymity that is created on the Internet. Your story seems to take it one step farther. You created a pseudo-identity that allowed you to develop friendships...although somewhat deceptively. Why specifically did you decide to be female within the realm of the game
It makes me also think about the person who spoke in that lecture, describing that identity is formed from the cumulative personalities and identities formed by one person. Many identities help create one.
I personally think that on the Internet it is very rare that any of us demonstrate or portray ourselves in an honest fashion. We are able to form how we want people to perceive us without the affect of first impressions - what the eye and brain sees.
Roger, first of all I'd like to thank you for the comment on my blog. To answer your question, I am a HUGE Tool fan (love your ID photo by the way), and can honestly say that their shows have changed my life as well, even if it's just that no other bands' live shows impress me anymore after seeing the show that Tool puts on every time. I've seen them seven times, and will continue to see them for as long as they tour. Are you a member of deviant, or do you just browse the art? Just curious.
As for your blog, I found it very interesting. I found that when I first became a member of Deviant and started the whole process of creating my online identity, I had trouble deciding just what exactly I was going to put out there for the world to see. When interacting with people across the globe I realized that I could literally be whoever I wanted to be. It was a very liberating feeling. I don't think I would have the guts or the ability to pull off what you did, but it does make for a very interesting social experiment. I'm wondering, did you behave normally except for that one detail? Did you interact the way you normally would, except for the small gender bend?
This blog is quite possibly the most interesting one I've read. Thanks for giving us so much to think about.
Dave I decided to be a female as a joke, that only I would get essentially, then it turned into something I could never have imagined.
Zbiggs I am just a lurker at deviantart.com, but when I'm having a crazy day or just need a creative boost I will go there for inspiration. I am always suggesting it to anybody that even seems remotely interested in art.
To answer your other question. I didn't act like a girl so to say, I wasn't using honey or dear every other word I just acted like myself without any hostility or confrontation. Of course this was my perception of how a girl acted and not exactly accurate. The single biggest obstacle was guys that wanted to flirt. I always had to think of some creative come back to diffuse the situation. I never ever wanted to lead anybody on in that way and went out of my way to not let it happen. One of my good friends Wicked Angel, who was a real female I know because we have talked in real life, had made a comment on how wiley I was when sex or flirting came up in the conversation, mysterious lag issues would cause me to logout unexpectantly or how I would go out of my way to change the subject. At the time she just wrote it off as me being innocent on the subject, but later after the fact it made so much more sense to her.
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